Tuesday, November 9, 2010

From the bottom.

I'm really tired, like really seriously worn out. Both physically and mentally. Sometimes I find myself asking why do I even try, why do I try so hard for something that can never come true?

It's very depressing because it've come to the extend that I can't even cry, I just can't. The tears won't flow, but the agony is increasing at every moment. There's only one word left: Melancholy.

It's totally beyond me, why do I still grit my teeth and push myself through all these? All these times I've been telling myself, I will discover it, I will. But time and time again, I'm being let down. And you know how it feels like, don't you? To get your hopes high, only to be disappointed over and over again. I don't talk to anyone about my problems, not because I don't trust them or anything like that, it's just that I don't feel the need to. They've got enough problems on their own, so who am I to increase their burden? But sometimes the feeling has been botteled up for so long and I just wanna find a good friend to rant everything to, the words, they just won't come out.

I've never felt so clueless in my entire life, I never been so dejected since I've learn how to feel. I really don't know what to do at times so I just do everything to make myself busy so my mind won't wander off. But you know this ain't a great idea at all because the more thing you do, the more tired you become and at the end of the day you'll ask yourself why are you even doing this to yourself.

I want to be alone. And it's not because I don't like the friends around me, I just feel tired. Tired of putting on the smile that no one can tell what's hidden behind it. I don't want to pretend to be happy in front of them. I want to feel happy, but I just can't. I don't know why. I just feel so tired to even laugh along at times. Maybe I really need time alone, time to rest and not think of anything at all.

I hope y'all can understand. Even if you don't, I hope at the very least that you can respect my decision on having my time alone when I want it. I'm sorry if I choose not to join you guys for anything...I'm really tired. I want to rest, and the only time to do so is when I'm all alone.

Can I request one more thing? For you guys not to ask me anything related to this entry if you see me, because like I said, I'm really tired. I don't wish to explain, and I don't wish to rant to y'all since most of you already have enough problems.

Sigh. I guess I still have a really long way to maturity.
For now, please pardon me, and bear with me.

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